Community Questions: Why Does My Child Behave Worse for Me Than Anyone Else?

"My 4-year-old is apparently an angel at nursery and is always so well behaved for grandparents, but the minute they're back with me, everything seems to fall apart. Tantrums, whining, not listening... the lot! I sometimes wonder if I'm doing something wrong. Why does my child seem to behave worse for me than anyone else?"

if this sounds familiar, you're certainly not the only mum who's wondered the same thing.

It can be incredibly frustrating to hear how wonderfully your child has behaved all day, only for them to walk through the door and seemingly unravel within minutes.

But there may actually be a reassuring explanation.

Why does my child behave differently with me?

Young children use a huge amount of energy navigating the world.

At nursery, school or somebody else's house, they're following routines, listening to instructions, interacting with other children and managing lots of emotions throughout the day.

Then they come home.

For many children, home is where they finally feel able to release everything they've been holding together.

And the person they feel safest doing that with is often their parent.

So while it can feel very personal when you're the one dealing with the tears, shouting or refusal to put their shoes on, their behaviour isn't necessarily a sign that you're doing something wrong.

In some cases, it can be quite the opposite.

Think about what might be underneath the behaviour

When your child suddenly seems difficult after nursery or school, it can help to look beyond the behaviour itself.

Could they be:

• hungry?

• tired?

• overstimulated?

• needing connection after being away from you?

• struggling to transition from one environment to another?

A four-year-old probably isn't going to walk through the door and say, "I've had a really overstimulating day and need twenty minutes to decompress."They're much more likely to cry because you gave them the wrong cup. The cup might simply be the final straw.

Try creating a softer landing

If you notice that difficult behaviour regularly happens immediately after nursery or school, experiment with making that transition as easy as possible.

Have a snack ready. Keep questions to a minimum initially. Give them some quiet time, a cuddle if they want one, or simply let them play.

We often want to hear everything about our children's day as soon as we see them, but some children need a little time before they're ready to reconnect and talk.

Hold the boundary, but understand the feeling

Understanding why your child is struggling doesn't mean every behaviour has to be accepted. You can still calmly hold boundaries while acknowledging how they're feeling.

"I know you're really cross. I won't let you hit me."

Or:

"You really wanted to stay at Grandma's. It's hard when something fun has to end."

The aim isn't to stop your child ever becoming upset. It's helping them learn, gradually, what to do with those big feelings.

And what about you?

There's another important part of this conversation that doesn't get talked about enough.

Being someone's safe person can be exhausting.

You can understand why your child is behaving this way and still find it incredibly difficult when you're the person receiving all of those emotions at the end of a long day.Both things can be true.

So the next time nursery tells you they've been an absolute angel all day and they have a meltdown five minutes after getting home, remember: you may not be seeing a different child. You may simply be seeing the version of them that finally feels safe enough to let everything out.

Does your child save their biggest emotions for you? We'd love to hear what happens in your house.